A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
