God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
