the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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