apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
