My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
