thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
