Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
