my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
