Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
