false alarm. still invincible.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
