I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
