the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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