Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
