I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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