Don't make out with my wife yet
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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