zippers are such a cool invention
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
