Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
