I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have âdaddy issuesâ. Fuck all of you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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