Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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