I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
