Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
