i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
