i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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