I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
