her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
