Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
