You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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