I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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