Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
