I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
