she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
