There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
