I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
