Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
