i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
