he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
