six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I touched a dick in church today
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
