she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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