He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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