It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
