So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
