I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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