When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
