if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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