Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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