Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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