We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch