I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.