all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
