i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.