Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
