youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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