ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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