Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
oh god was she eating orange peels again
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
