he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
