I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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