Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
