So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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