Everything about him screamed your future.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
