Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
