can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh god it's open bar.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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