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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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• (315): View more from New York

  That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?

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• (856): View more from New Jersey

  in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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• (469): View more from Texas

  I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.

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• (828): View more from North Carolina

  remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  ..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

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• (620): View more from Kansas

  We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.

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• (586): View more from Michigan

  Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.

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• (210): View more from Texas

  I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.

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• (716): View more from New York

  I'm like, not good at living.

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